So, I have been praying a lot lately. I typically pray, often finding myself in conversations with God, but not spending a lot of time praying for specific things. Lately, I have been specifically praying for people, issues, etc.
I have always had a problem with praying. I have been to church for years and when I was a kid, we went off and on to church. However, I never thought I learned how to pray. Although I was having almost regular conversations with God, I never thought I was really praying.
I do not offer to pray in front of others or when people may be listening. I am a little shy and backward and praying for others in their presence makes me nervous and nervousness causes a mumbo jumbo mass of words that become incoherant to the point of sounding like an idiot. I prefer the quiet of my room, or my bathtub when I am soaking in the tub, or in my car when I am alone or quietly to myself someplace to pray. I don't close my eyes, I don't look down, I don't do anything that would send a message to others : "oh, she must be praying".
In fact, I find myself getting almost self conscious at church on Sunday mornings, as I am on standing on stage during the prayer, I feel as a part of the worship team, I should be doing the praying thing the way everyone else does. Bow your head, close your eyes, etc...but I can't. I have never been able to get into prayer by closing my eyes and bowing my head.
In fact, here's a sample of a prayer, just so you can get inside my head for a minute to see what I mean.
"Hey God! I was hoping we could chat for a bit. I was thinking today about a certain friend of mine who is going through some tough times and was hoping you could give her some guidance. She faces some terrible things in the near future and I know she is in need of your help. Do you think things will work out for her? I was also thinking about my mother in law. We have had out ups and downs, as you know. I don't know what to do to get her to talk to me. Do you think I try too hard or not enough? Do you think there's something else I should be doing? Well, I better get busy and get something done, I love you and I am so glad to have you here to talk to. Amen"
Yeah, I know, looks like an email I would send a friend, right? That's how it's always been with me and God. We just have a conversation and I talk to Him like I would my mom or my girlfriends. I guess there's different ways to talk to God, and no one way is the right way, but sometimes when people ask me to pray, especially out loud, I tend to turn that down because this is how I talk to God and I just don't think they would understand. Maybe I'm wrong! Maybe there are a lot of people out there that has the same issue I do.
Well, either way, life is good. God answers my prayers, maybe not in the way I think He should, but he always answers my questions. He is Lord and He is good and I love the fact that I have someone els ein my life to chat with whenever I feel like it. Which is often.
So please don't think that I just don't want to pray when you ask me to pray out loud, but understand that if I were to walk in to any church and start chatting with God out loud the way I do, I feel people would stare at me and think I am being weird. I may not close my eyes or look down at the ground, but I still talk to God and I still pray for you.
Later!
